(Photo from my first day at Uni)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME.
6 months ago, on September 7th, I arrived in Spain. Full of excitement and anticipation to begin the coveted Year Abroad.

I actually feel pressure to sit here and write that the past 6 months have been the best months of my life and that I don’t want my year abroad to end. You see so many people on instagram, doing a study or work placement abroad, having the most amazing time and living their best life. This blog is my little space on the internet to speak my truth, and the truth is that the past 6 months have been a real struggle.

I feel like this is a classic case of expectation versus reality. I changed my mind last minute from doing a work placement abroad to studying abroad: big mistake. My reasoning, thus expectation, was that in going to uni, I would meet loads of Spanish people my own age and other Erasmus or International kids from all over the world. I’d have a big group of friends to go ‘out out’ with, go exploring with, eat with, generally to hang out with. The reality, however, couldn’t be more different. I can’t say that I really have friends of my own over here. By that, I mean that there’s groups of people that I hang out with, but it’s a case where they’re all friends and I’m just the tag along: the scrape. It’s honestly so sad for me to sit here and write that I have no friends. I’ve never felt the feeling of intense loneliness like I have in these past 6 months. I would say this has also been massively exacerbated by the level of boredom from living in Alcalá which is honestly beyond belief.

My other expectation was that, in living and going to uni here, like magic, my Spanish would improve. The reality: it hasn’t. I’ve done a language course, (shouldn’t have been necessary after studying Spanish for 7 years), I attend an intercambio every week and try my hardest to speak Spanish where possible. When people speak to me in English, I make a point of replying in Spanish. The awkward thing here is that, inevitably, there comes a point where I can’t understand something or simply cannot formulate a sentence as I panic and my brain starts melting. Honestly, thinking about retaking the OLS test at the end of the year makes me so anxious as I my Spanish ability has not improved one bit. The whole point of this year abroad is to improve language skill and fluency. Seeing as I haven’t done that makes me feel like I’ve failed my year abroad.

On top of all of this, everything that happened in January, (which of course could happen anywhere), has just made everything 10x worse. I feel like my identity, who I am as a person, has basically been robbed from me. The things I would to make this year abroad bearable, to ease everything above, I can no longer do. The past 6 months have seen some of my darkest days. The amount of times I’ve facetimed my Mum crying, with the full resolve to just quit and return home. Just this weekend gone, I made that exact phone call.

When things aren’t going well, it’s so easy to dwell on the negatives. There are of course some positives in all this. I’ve met some cool people, I’ve had a few really fun nights out, I’ve learnt to dance bachata y kizomba. I’ve been able to explore places I didn’t think I’d visit, (I’d never even heard of Chefchaouen until I went). I’ve done things for the first time, like hiking on a geological mountain site. Above all, I’ve had the opportunity to live in a different country. Many people dream of living abroad, but never get the chance. Although these 6 months have been very difficult for me, I’m still thankful and grateful and I’ve been to experience everything I have.

I have some fun plans coming up, which I’m very excited about. A bit more travelling and a few people are coming out to visit! Let’s hope I can make the remaining 3 months I have here in Spain, the very best months.